


But I can, with you

by queensguardian



Category: Free!
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Rei being a dweeb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-09 02:05:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4329654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queensguardian/pseuds/queensguardian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nagisa finds himself faced with something he never expected would happen to him. In the wake of this trauma, he doesn't know who to turn to--but Rei just stumbles his way into Nagisa's heart anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why i felt the need to do this to such a fluffy show. I love Nagisa--really! For those who need trigger warnings, this fic starts directly following the rape. I do not describe the act, because this is not a fetish fic about rape. It is a fic about recovery and love. So, for those looking for that, this will not be for you. There are two chapters to this fic, and the second part will be in a few days. Enjoy!

It had been awful, but it was over. It had been the absolute worst experience of his life, but as he picked himself up from the ground and buttoned his shorts with shaking hands, ashamedly wiping away the cum he didn’t mean to produce and the tears that streamed from his eyes, he tried to comfort himself with the knowledge that it was over. He tried to tell himself that at least there would be no disease, since his attacker had used a condom. But when he called the police, and they showed up, the first thing they commented on was his outfit—“well why were you wearing shorts that small in this area of town to begin with?”—and then they dutifully filled out the report.

Not that is did any good, in the end. The medical examiner told him that “cases where the attacker’s face is covered and no DNA is left usually remain unsolved, and that the attack was most likely random.” Then they tested him for STDs, and recommended he talk with the person he felt most comfortable with, and sent him on his way. But when he finally arrived at his house, waving off his worried parents with excuses of hanging out with friends and his phone being dead; when he finally sat down in his room and stared at the one name in his contact list that he knew he could trust above all else, he found he couldn’t do it. So he set an alarm, put his phone away, and took the hottest shower he’d ever taken in his life, before examining the wounds his attacker had left and coming to the conclusion that no, he would not in fact be able to attend swim practice the next day, and that he might actually have to take a sick day, the first since his parents had threatened transferring him.

. . .

“Well, I haven’t seen him. But I'm sure he's fine. He'd have told us if there was an emergency.” Makoto tried to reason with an angry Gou and anxious Rei while also mourning his forgotten lunch. It was going to be a long day.

“Yes, but this isn’t like him. Usually if he ditches school he texts me all day about it, and tries to get me to join him. But look at this!” Rei held up his phone, pushing it too close to Makoto’s face and forcing him to lean back and take the phone from Rei. “Not one text! Not only that, but he hasn’t responded to the texts I have sent him this morning regarding his condition! He has _never_ not responded to a text from me—not to sound presumptuous, I’m sure he always responds to your texts as well.” Rei ended lamely, pushing his glasses up to cover his blush.

Makoto scrolled through the texts; Nagisa’s ended with a bubbly **‘I found a butterfly keychain at the gas station and wanted to buy it for u, but I didn’t have any money and the cashier was giving me looks so I’ll have to come back tomorrow—u should come with me, Rei-chan! Don’t fight me, I know about ur not-so-secret love for sparkly things, there’s no use hiding it from me!”** from 4:07 PM the previous day, and the next eight texts were all from Rei.

**4:08pm ‘Nagisa-kun, it is quite inappropriate for you to buy me things when it is not my birthday or Christmas. I would quite enjoy to see the keychain; perhaps we can use the trip to fulfill part of our daily exercise requirement and take a walk there tomorrow afternoon.’**

**4:13pm ‘If that would be agreeable to you, of course.’**

**7:00pm ‘Goodnight, Nagisa-kun. I can only assume that you have neglected to charge your phone again; I should text a reminder to you about it.’**

**6:00am ‘Good morning, Nagisa-kun. I trust you have woken up and plugged in your phone by now. I will see you on the train; I’m afraid it is too cold out for me to run this morning. Maybe we should run to the gas station later instead of walk.’**

**7:30am ‘I didn’t see you on the train. I hope you are well, and have not been waylaid by anything unfortunate.’**

**8:00am ‘You are not in first peri-‘**

**8:01am ‘I apologize. I accidentally pressed the ‘send’ button whilst attempting to conceal my phone from the teacher. Since you are not here, I can only assume that you are either sick today or are just terribly late. I hope you are not neglecting you education again.’**

**10:34am ‘Are you feeling alright, Nagisa-kun? You have not responded to my previous texts, which is worrisome. Would you like me to bring by your schoolwork later this afternoon? We will have to take our trip to the gas station some other day, I suspect. Which is, of course, perfectly alright. I hope you feel better, Nagisa-kun.’**

Makoto’s brow furrowed as he made his way through the mildly embarrassing texts. Rei was right about one thing; Nagisa would never usually miss a text from Rei, and he never missed an opportunity to tease or flirt (unbeknownst to Rei), over text or otherwise.

“Maybe he’s mad at you,” Haru piped up, his face unreadable. They waited for an explanation, but that was apparently all Haru would be contributing to the conversation, as he promptly went back to eating his mackerel.

Rei turned an obscene splotchy mix of purple and red, and Makoto sighed, giving Haru a mild look.

“I’m sure he’s not angry at you Rei-kun, Nagisa-chan is _never_ angry with you. But I think you should bring him his work after school; would you like me to come with you?”

Rei sniffed, his color returning more or less to normal. “That would be agreeable. Thank you, Makoto-senpai.”

. . .

Nagisa wanted to spend the day in bed. Really, he did. But after ignoring the buzzing from his phone _again_ (he loved Rei-chan, but he didn’t know what to _say_ ) he sighed and rolled out of bed. Making his way to the bathroom again, he took stock of his injuries. They weren’t extensive, thankfully. The worst of them were nasty bruises on his neck, vaguely shaped like hands from where his attacker held him down, and a scrape on his cheek from being pressed into the cement that the medical examiner had bandaged up the night before. Besides that he just had minor bruises and scrapes. And of course, the soreness that extended from where the man had violated him and extending through his spine. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, trying to process what had happened to him in an objective way. Which was incredibly stupid. He was Nagisa, he wasn’t good at being objective about the weather forecast, let alone something like this.

As he touched the bandage on his cheek, he felt wetness, and realized that the tears he had been dutifully holding in were slowly slipping out against his will. At least the house was empty. As that thought crossed his mind, Nagisa realized that he was using the phrase a lot recently. ‘At least.’ He was an optimistic person, as a rule. It took a lot to wear him down past the point of his unwavering cheerfulness. It appeared that this had done it. With that, he sank to the floor against his bathroom door, feeling it click shut as he did, and he covered his face with his hands. What was he going to do now? The medical examiner had told him to contact someone he felt the most comfortable with. Well he had already tried that, and he wasn’t strong enough to do it. Maybe with time. The other option was to go on one of those emergency sites he’d read about and talk to someone on a hotline about it. That idea just sounded like a lot of work. Did he really need to talk to someone right now? ~~Instinct told him yes, he was a social person, he needed to tell someone~~ Maybe he could just take it one step at a time. Planning was the best cure for overthinking.

He could fake sick for a few more days, and then it would be the weekend. Hopefully by the next Monday the bruises would be gone, or almost gone, and he would be able to explain them away. Now, though…He stood unsteadily opened the door, stepping into his bedroom. First thing first. He made his way to the window and opened up the blinds about halfway, letting a bit of sunlight filter into his dank room. Then he slowly made his way downstairs, grabbing the scissors and a bagel before heading back up. The trip made his injuries throb, and he sat on his bed heavily, wincing a moment later when the pain in his rear registered. He couldn’t even sit down. That thought made him want to cry, too, so he sucked in a breath, puffing out his cheeks. Busy. Keep busy.

 He grabbed the shorts from the night before, holding them up and examining them. They previously been his favorite shorts, but now…the front was stained with cum a little, the back with blood from not being prepared enough. He felt a small bit of gratitude for the fact that he’d thought to wear a pink sweatshirt over the shorts the night before; if the top of his shorts had been uncovered his parents would have surely noticed the stains. Stuffing the bagel in his mouth, he took his scissors and got to work, hacking at the offending material with a fervor he hadn’t felt until that moment. That was when the anger struck him. How _dare_ someone do this to him? How dare someone choose him, out of hundreds, as a blank face to violate, to satiate, to _use._ Not that he wanted someone else to take his place. It was just so…just so. He cut and ripped and pulled, tearing at the fabric until it came apart in his hands and continued after that, pulling until it was just piles of thread and small pieces of soft jean material in his lap.

When he finished, he collected the fabric and put it in a ziplock bag, which he then stowed away in his closet. It was stupid, but he wanted to burn them. He wanted every part of them to be gone, until he could fight even his memories. But once the bag was safely hidden, he sat on the bed, breathing heavily. The activity had drained him more than he’d thought it would. He put on a turtleneck sweater, checking to make sure it covered the worst of the marks. Lying back and trying to control his breathing, he reached for his phone and finally checked his messages. There were a bunch from Rei, mostly concerned and a little absurd, and they managed to make him giggle a bit, and one from Makoto from the last hour.

**Mako-chan, 12:15 PM: ‘You should really respond to Rei-kun. He’s worried about you.’**

Nagisa chewed his lip, debating what to say. A wave of sleepiness overcame him, and he fumbled with the touch screen to respond to Rei.

**12:57PM: ‘Sorry Rei-chan, I was sleeping! I’m not feeling good today! I would love it if u came over later—but u should leave the hw behind! Haha, see you after school!’**

**12:57PM: ‘Bring something sweet to eat!’**

He debated sending them, thinking maybe the exclamation marks were excessive, even for him, but drowsiness overcame him, and he pressed the send button before drifting off to sleep.

. . .

“Makoto-senpai!” Rei shouted from the opposite end of the courtyard as they made their way to class. “He responded! He’s sick, and we should bring over his homework this afternoon!”

“Alright! I’m glad he’s ok!” Makoto rolled his eyes at Rei’s enthusiasm. In his opinion, Nagisa needed to stop torturing the poor boy and just kiss him already, but it wasn’t his place to judge.

. . .

Rei straightened his glasses, attempting to flatten his hair without dropping Nagisa’s homework.

“You look fine, Rei-kun,” Makoto smiled gently, patting him on the back. “Now, I’m going to go.”

“What?!” Rei squeaked, “Why?”

“Because, I’m sure Nagisa is fine, and you two could use some alone time.” Makoto was all but waggling his eyebrows, and Rei turned redder than Makoto had ever seen him.

“I—um—th-thank you, Makoto-senpai, but that is completely unnecessary—”

Makoto clapped him on the back, and headed off.

Rei took a deep breath, adjusted the shortcake in her hands, and rang the doorbell. He steeled himself for an armful of slightly sick Nagisa, as per usual, but there was nothing. In fact, Nagisa didn’t even answer the door; his mother did.

“Oh, welcome! Nagisa will be so glad to see you I’m sure. He’s been feeling so terrible today. Why don’t you go right on up.”

Rei took off his shoes and donned a pair of guest slippers, before heading up the stairs to Nagisa’s room. When he knocked on the door, there was still no answer, so he slowly opened the door.

“Nagisa-kun? I’m coming in—” Rei stopped, taking in a sharp breath. Nagisa was asleep on his bed, with his blankets bunched up on and around him. He was wearing a pink turtleneck, and he had pulled the neck up over his nose so just his eyes and a tuft of blond hair was visible.

Something swelled inside Rei, and he fumbled his way across the carpet and sat heavily on Nagisa’s bed. He debated whether or not to wake him for a few moments, and decided ultimately that if Nagisa was sick then it was better to let him sleep, and he leaned over to set Nagisa’s homework and the shortcake on his bedside table.

“Nngh?” Nagisa sleepily blinked his eyes open, before flinching and jerking away from Rei. The movement jerked his head back, and he bumped it into the wall with a grunt.

                “Nagisa-kun!” Rei waved his hands uselessly after his friend, alarmed at Nagisa’s reaction.

                “Oh! R-rei-chan! It’s you! I was s-startled me!” Nagisa sat up, leaning against the wall and collecting his blankets around him. He looked…not sick, exactly, but there was definitely something wrong with him. There were deep circles under his eyes, despite having apparently been sleeping all day, and he was shaking a little.

                “My goodness, Nagisa-kun, are you running a temperature? Should I get your mother?” Rei continued to fret, reaching for his friend but stopping short of touching him.

                “What? Oh, no, Rei-chan, I’m fine. Just fine. I’m just tired. This uh, stomach flu has really worn me out. I must have eaten something. Or something.”

                “Well, whatever it is, your behavior is highly erratic today. I brought you a strawberry shortcake, but that was before I realized that you had some kind of stomach problem. Now, I don’t think cake would actually be helpful for your present state, but if you would like me to get you some fruit, or a piece of toast—”

                “No! No, Rei-chan. This is perfect. I know you don’t think so, but could you just… could you just drop it today?” Nagisa sounded so very tired that Rei nodded, albeit reluctantly.

                Nagisa plastered on one of his grins and reached for the cake, but it just didn’t seem to have the same effect it usually did. Rei scooched back to lean against the wall next to Nagisa, smiling faintly as the boy just plucked off small piece of the cake and tossed them in his mouth, not even bothering to go and get a spoon.

                “You want some?” Nagisa gestured, and Rei paled a bit.

                “Ah, I think not. Eating with your hands is highly unsanitary even under normal circumstances, and I don’t want to catch whatever you have.”

                Nagisa barked out a short laugh, setting the cake back down on his table. “You know Rei-chan, I don’t think that will be an issue.”

                Rei frowned, unused to the sharp tone in Nagisa’s voice. “Are you sure you’re alright? Should I leave?”

                “No, oh no. Please don’t leave me,” Nagisa brought the blankets up around him again, cocooning himself in his corner. “I mean, I’m feeling well enough to hang out and I _missed_ you today, Rei-chan! Why don’t we watch a movie?”

                “Well…alright. But not one of your horror movies. The last one kept me up for weeks.”

                “Deal. How about a documentary? You like those, right?” Nagisa reached for his laptop, before going on Netflix—another surprise; usually he’d just go on one of those illegals sites—and pulling up a list of documentaries, before handing the laptop to Rei to let him choose.

                “Um,” Rei had never heard Nagisa suggest anything remotely as ‘boring’ as a documentary before. “Sure. If I may make a suggestion, I highly recommend ‘Wings of Change.’ It’s about the migratory patterns of butterflies, and it’s fascinating.”

                “Sounds perfect. Here.” Nagisa pulled at the quilt on his bed, forcing Rei to lift his butt so he could pull it out, and then he threw it over Rei’s lap, before situating the laptop between them on the bed.

                “Are you sure you’re feeling alright?” Rei asked, pulling the blanked tighter around him.

                “Yes, yes. I’m fine, Rei-chan. Let’s watch the movie.”

                They managed to make it about halfway through without falling asleep, but then (after quite some time spent shifting uncomfortably) Nagisa requested that they change positions so they were lying on their stomachs. After that he was a goner. By the time the credits rolled, the blond was snoring softly, his body unconsciously curled against Rei’s.

                Rei spent several uncomfortable moments in intense debate. He was incredibly tempted to text his mother and ask to spend the night, despite the fact that it was a school night. After all, it was warm, and Nagisa was pressed close to him…but after that thought made him turn bright red, he decided that no, perhaps a school night when Nagisa was sick was not the best night to do this.

                As he got up to leave, attempting to extricate himself from Nagisa’s touch, he accidentally dropped his phone, wincing as it fell to the floor with a loud thump.

                Nagisa jumped in the bed, gasping, and immediately was up on his knees. His eyes darted around the room, and he let out a course whimper, before crumpling into a ball.

                “I’m—I’m so sorry—Rei-chan—I just—you just—you just startled me—” He breathed heavily, squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his fists.

                Rei’s heart thudded in his chest, and he kneeled in front of the bed. “It’s ok, Nagisa-kun. Please attempt to regulate your breathing. Try to breathe in with me as I count. In one, two three, four, out one, two three, four—”

                “I-I c-can’t,” Nagisa panted, pressing his fists against his chest. “M-my heart.”

                “What is it? Does your chest hurt? Nagisa, you’re shaking. Can you sit up by yourself? I believe you need to—”

                “I n-need. I need to g-get out of here. P-please, Rei-chan!” His voice was so weak, his teeth chattering as he gasped, and Rei felt like crying himself, but that wouldn’t do anybody much good.

                “Nagisa-kun, I believe you’re having a panic attack, and I think I can help you. Is it alright if I touch you?”

                “Y-yes.”

                Once he’d obtained permission, Rei slid his arms around the boy’s shoulders. He guided him into a sitting position, and then helped him stand. Nagisa was sweating now, his body tremoring against Rei’s. As Rei helped him down the stairs, he shouted to Nagisa’s mother that they would be taking a brief walk, not waiting for her reply before heading out the front door.

                “I have read that when someone is having a panic attack, the best thing to do is to take them out for a brusque activity. I suggest that we walk to the beach. Does that sound ok?”

                Nagisa nodded, and they started down the street; Rei setting a much faster pace than they usually would go.

                “As we walk, why don’t we lift our arms up and down together? It can be very calming.”

                “O-ok.” Nagisa was still shaking, but not as badly, and the glazed-over look in his eyes was fading slowly.

                They lifted their arms together, and then lowered them, walking the whole time. They must have looked incredibly stupid, and any other time Rei would be embarrassed about how ridiculously not beautiful they were, but at this moment, his only focus was on his friend.

                “It’s going to be ok, Nagisa-kun. I’m right here with you, I’m not going anywhere.”

                “I know, R-rei-chan.” Nagisa’s face was screwed up in concentration; his tremors quieting a bit.

                When they reached the beach, they walked out almost to the water’s edge, and then they just breathed together.

                “Remember to take deep, slow breaths, Nagisa-kun. Are you reacting to something that happened just now, or something in the past?”

                “I-I don’t want to talk about it.” Nagisa pulled at his sweater, his breathing finally starting to calm.

                “Do you want to take off your sweater, Nagisa-kun? I have also read that when having a panic attack, it is best to try and keep cool.”

                “No! No, thanks, Rei-chan, I think I’ll keep it on, thanks.”

                “Alright then.” Rei looked his friend over once more, searching for any signs that he was still in peril.

                Nagisa stood still for a moment, letting the sound of the ocean wash over him, and then he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Rei and holding tightly. Rei’s arms came up to hold his waist without any hesitation, which on any other day would be a step forward.

                “Thank you, Rei-chan. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I wouldn’t have even known I was having a panic attack.” He nuzzled into Rei’s shoulder, holding on for much longer than he usually would, even for Nagisa, his tears wetting the fabric.

                “Of course,” He said gruffly, squeezing a little. “But, you should know, since I’m guessing this was your first panic attack. You should probably go to the hospital.”

                “No. I don’t want to. I just want to stay here with Rei-chan.” Nagisa was sobbing quietly now, and Rei felt a few tears spill out of his eyes, too, mostly out of relief. He had been so very worried, and he still was worried, and he’d always been a crybaby. He hated the feeling of helplessness that he had about whatever was causing Nagisa pain.

                Nagisa sniffed, and finally pulled back, giving a watery giggle. “Let’s head back, Rei-chan. It’s getting cold out.”

. . .

As Rei clicked his bedroom door shut, he chewed his lip, sliding down to sit against the door. Nagisa’s behavior today had been…odd, to say the least. He had never seen Nagisa behave that way before, and the panic attack had been frightening beyond words. He mulled over the events of the day, trying to piece together what he could from his friend’s reactions to things. He had a theoretical hypothesis, but he desperately wanted it to be untrue. But given the bright little butterfly he was, he did the natural thing; he researched it.

And after several hours spent researching and several minutes spent clearing his history, he had a fairly supported conclusion, and it made his heart ache with sorrow, but it fit all of Nagisa’s behaviors. He would need further observation, but for now…he researched the best ways to deal with this problem. He absolutely would not, under any circumstances, force Nagisa to tell him what had happened. This needed to happen on Nagisa’s terms, not Rei’s.

He needed to be careful.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is a process.

 

“REI-KUN!” Gou practically shouted, making Rei jump up and fumble with his glasses. “Have you been listening to me at all?”

“Uh. Well. I’m very sorry, Kou-. I didn’t sleep very well last night, and as a result I am a little distracted today.”

“Hmph. I guess I can excuse it, but you’d better be more awake during practice. Maybe you should go take a nap for the rest of lunch break?”

“Thank you for the suggestion, but I think I’ll stay awake for now. Fresh fruits and vegetables should rejuvenate me, and exercise later will undoubtedly wake me up.”

“Hey, Rei-kun. How did last night go with Nagisa?” Makoto asked gently.

Rei froze, and then turned his face to the side, pushing at his glasses (which were already in place). “Fine. He’s fine. Just sick. Is all. With the, uh, stomach flu! He should be back by Monday.”

His friends gave him suspicious looks, before Makoto pushed through the blatant lie. “Monday? He’s missing three days of school! Poor Nagisa, he must be really sick. That’s a lot, even for him.”

Rei nodded, before turning back to his food. He would be visiting Nagisa again today, in order to give him more of his homework, and it would be his first real test. He would not fail his friend. He knew all the theory of how to deal with this situation. Now it was time to put his plan into action.

“Why are you lying to us?” Haru spoke up, setting down his mackerel.

“Hah?”

“We know you’re not telling the truth. What is it that you’re hiding?”

Makoto and Gou made rapid motions with their hands, apparently trying to get Haru to _stop speaking now_ and Rei blushed a furious red, knowing what they must think happened.

“To tell the truth, Haruka-senpai, it’s not my place to tell.” Better they think something happened between the two of them than know what actually happened without Nagisa’s permission.

Gou and Makoto shared not-so-secret smiles, and the false realization seemed to dawn on Haru, because he nodded, and his lips even twitched, before he returned to his food.

Well, at least that was taken care of.

. . .

“I just don’t understand why you need to miss school for this! At the very most, you have a mild flu. You don’t have a temperature, and you don’t have a sore throat. You should be in school! Have you forgotten your test scores? You can’t afford to miss!”

Rei paused with his hand raised, ready to knock on the Hazuki’s door. The muffled voice of Nagisa’s mother shouting was loud enough to mean they were both downstairs. Rei knew he shouldn’t be prying, but he just couldn’t help himself.

“Mom, I know I don’t look very sick, but I am, I promise!” Nagisa sounded near tears, his voice higher than usual, and Rei remembered how Nagisa had sounded when he told them how his parents never listened to him. Even though that had turned out alright, he couldn’t shake the feeling that this was what Nagisa had meant. They had his best interests at heart, but his parents didn’t seem to see how much he was suffering.

“Nagisa, is there a bully at school? Do you need us to intervene? Why don’t you want to go to school?”

“N-no! No, mom, I swear. I just need one more day, and I’ll feel better, I promise. I’ll be back to normal by Monday. I’m sure I just caught a stomach bug from someone at school. It’s been going around lately.”

“Then why did you go out with Rei so late last night?”

“He read online that it would be beneficial for my health to take a walk. I guess you can’t trust what you read on the internet, huh?” Nagisa didn’t miss a beat in the lie, and he seemed to know he’d won the battle. His mother was searching for reasons now more than actively telling him no.

Rei shook himself, and knocked on the door.

“Rei-chan!” Nagisa had to have been only feet away from the door, because it opened in only a few seconds, and there he was, the boy who’d been occupying most of Rei’s thoughts for so long.

“Hello, Nagisa-kun. I’ve brought over your homework from today.”

“Come in, come in. Mom, Rei-chan and I are going to go study up in my room, ok?”

“Ok, Nagisa, but not too late. I want you resting, since you’re so sick. Hello, Rei, dear. How are you feeling? I hope you haven’t caught the flu, too.”

“Ah, no, Mrs. Hazuki, I am in excellent health, thank you. During the flu season, I take a mix of multivitamins, and make sure to maintain a balanced sleep cycle, as well as drink lots of fluids to keep my—”

“Rei-chan, come on!” Nagisa whined from the top of the stairs, and Rei stopped his rambling to take off his shoes and join his friend upstairs.

Nagisa had already sat down on his bed by the time Rei reached his room, and he was reading a magazine.

“I’m going to come into your room now, Nagisa-kun. Is that alright?” Nagisa barely looked up, making a noise of approval, and Rei entered the room with an internal sigh of relief. So far, so good.

He took a seat on the edge of the bed, making sure to maintain a comfortable distance between the two of them, so Nagisa wouldn’t feel crowded or afraid. “Nagisa-kun, I’ve brought over your homework. I can see that you haven’t touched yesterday’s. Shall we do them together? It’s not good to…I have…I haven’t done the homework from today yet either, so we could learn the material together!” Rei caught himself mid-reprimand. It wouldn’t do to scold Nagisa at the moment. What his friend needed right now was support, not judgment.

“But Rei-chan, I don’t _want_ to work! Can’t we watch a movie again like we did yesterday?” Nagisa was giving him those big eyes again and _damn_ himRei didn’t know how to respond.

“Well—Nagisa-kun, I’m afraid I must insist that…Nagisa-kun it really would be better if we got back to your normal routine as soon as possible. I don’t want to pressure you, but why don’t we at least finish your homework first, and then we can watch a short film before I head home?”

“Aww, fine. But only because I like it when you talk homework to me.” Nagisa winked at him, his behavior almost fooling Rei into thinking he was back to normal. But he still winced a little when he leaned over to grab the work, and when he settled back against his pillows he held his shoulders in a tense position for a few moments, as if to adjust to a soreness he was feeling.

Rei sighed, wishing his friend would just open up to him but knowing why he felt he couldn’t, and he pulled his own homework out of his bag.

“Why are you sitting way over there, Rei-chan? How are we supposed to look at each other’s work when you’re practically outside?” Nagisa whined, patting the spot next to him at the head of the bd.

“Oh! Well, I just…I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, and after all, there is very little space in a bed this size—”

“Rei-chan. Just get over here.”

Rei nodded, and hesitantly moved over to sit beside Nagisa, careful not to touch him in any way. Despite what the blond said, Rei was still afraid of making him uncomfortable. He had a terrible habit of messing up in embarrassing ways, and it was crucial that he did not mess up here, for Nagisa’s sake.

“L-let’s begin.”

Two hours later, they had finished their homework, and Nagisa had even finished the homework from the previous day. He seemed oblivious to the way Rei was behaving, but the air around them was full of tension, and not the good kind that they had been experiencing more and more of late. This kind of tension was fraught with awkwardness and—worst of all—fear. Rei was afraid of hurting Nagisa somehow; of damaging the friendship they had by doing something stupid when his friend was so fresh with pain.

Nagisa was afraid of discovery; he knew that Rei wouldn’t judge him, but he would treat him differently, and he didn’t think he could handle that. At the same time, he was afraid that no one would ever know, and that he would be alone in carrying this burden, and he wasn’t sure he could deal with that, either.

“Why don’t we watch that movie now?” Nagisa asked softly, breaking the silence that had been growing between them.

“Sure. What would you like to watch, Nagisa-kun?”

Nagisa reached for his laptop, setting their papers down on his bedside table as he did so. “Can we watch ‘Love, Actually?’”

Typically, Rei might protest to watching a love story, if only for his pride (and if he secretly liked them that was nobody’s business). But not today. “Sure, that sounds great.”

True to form, Nagisa leaned against Rei almost immediately, going so far as to wrap his arms around Rei’s middle and burrow his head against Rei’s chest. Why, if things were different between them, Rei might even call this _cuddling._ But Rei wasn’t complaining, even if he wished he was clearer on what their relationship was, and what it was becoming. Now wasn’t the time.

“Nagisa-kun, may I wrap my arm around you?” He blushed at the words, and hastened to correct his mistake. “I mean to say, for both our comfort? I don’t think my arm will be very comfortable in its current position. _NOT_ that I want to pressure you…That is to say…”

Nagisa sighed, and reached behind him to pull Rei’s arm up and around his shoulders. Rei stiffened for a moment, turning even redder, but then Nagisa started the movie, and Rei realized that he wasn’t letting go of his hand where it rested over Nagisa’s shoulder, and he tried to force himself to relax. _This doesn’t mean anything, he’s just finding comfort in his friend in his time of need._

Toward the end of the movie, Rei realized that his friend had fallen asleep, which was thankfully very usual for Nagisa. Rei reached over to turn down the movie a little, not wanting to disturb his friend by turning it off, but also not wanting any loud noises to startle his friend out of what looked like the first moment of peaceful sleep he’d had in the last several days, if the bags under his eyes were any indication.

Rei placidly glided his fingers up and down Nagisa’s arm, enjoying the moment of peace that he was able to provide for his best friend. Nagisa hummed in his sleep, burrowing deeper against Rei, and Rei smiled softly at the reaction, closing the laptop gently when the movie ended. He rested his head against Nagisa’s hair, continuing his soothing motion on Nagisa’s arm, and breathed in the blond’s scent.

As his fingers moved, they pulled slightly on the fabric of Nagisa’s sweater, and as they did, Rei noticed something creeping up from under the neckline of the pink material.

Not wanting to disturb Nagisa’s peaceful slumber, Rei slowly moved his hand up, before pulling the fabric aside just a little more. He inhaled sharply at what he saw there, and held his breath.

There were marks on his friend’s neck; dark purple and blue finger-shaped bruises, and they extended down and out of Rei’s view.

Rei wanted to vomit. The rush of anger that flooded him was unparalleled to anything he had ever felt in his entire life. He didn’t move; didn’t _breathe._ All he could do was stare blankly at those marks. Someone had done this to Nagisa. Someone had touched him this way; had _hurt_ him, and Rei wanted to kill them.

He closed his eyes, forcing himself to let out the shaky breath he’d been holding. He had to get a grip. Nagisa didn’t want him to know about this, and he had already decided that he wouldn’t force him into anything he didn’t explicitly say he wanted. Aside from that, there was nothing Rei could do now to whomever had done this. He could only assume, based on the given information, that this was a one-time and first-time event that had happened, as Nagisa had never shown up to swim practice with bruises before; at least none that were out of the usual for someone who liked to climb and run and be active. There was also the behavior Nagisa had been exhibiting lately. Had this been a repeat event, or worse, a normal occurrence in Nagisa’s life, Rei was sure his behavior would not have changed so drastically, so rapidly. He could only hope, for Nagisa’s sake, that whatever trauma had occurred was over now, so he could begin to heal. In fact, he needed to know that it was over now; that Nagisa wasn’t still being treated like this.

“R-rei-chan?” Rei froze at the nervous voice that broke his silent contemplation. He quickly dropped his fingers, hoping that Nagisa hadn’t noticed that he’d clearly been looking under his shirt. _That_ simply wouldn’t do.

“Uh, yes, Nagisa-kun? The, uh, movie ended a little while ago, but I didn’t want to wake you.”

Nagisa peeked up at him, neither of them daring to move. Rei found that he was holding his breath again, praying that he didn’t startle Nagisa into having another panic attack.

“Thank you, Rei-chan. I needed that,” Nagisa said quietly, rubbing his eyes. Apparently they weren’t going to address whatever had or hadn’t happened just then, for which Rei was truly grateful.

“Well, I suppose I should be heading home now.” Rei pulled his arm out from under Nagisa, rubbing the feeling back into it, and Nagisa got out of bed to allow Rei room to clamber off it.

“Here’s your homework,” Nagisa handed Rei his papers, before crawling back into the refuge of the covers.

Rei quickly packed his backpack, aware suddenly of how late it was getting and how he actually should be getting home around then.

As he reached the door, though, he had to go and ruin it. “I’m going to leave you now, ok? I’ll text you when I get home. Should I shut this door?”

“You know, don’t you?” Nagisa blurted, before clapping his hands over his mouth.

Rei froze where he stood, not knowing at all how to handle the situation. “K-know what, exactly?”

Silence hung over them, and Rei felt like he was looking back over a great chasm to his friend.

“Nothing. Never mind. See you tomorrow, Rei-chan,” Nagisa said, before rolling over in bed and pulling the covers over his head.

Rei stood there, immobile for a few moments. He didn’t know what to do. Was Nagisa trying to signal that he was ready to talk about this? Did he want Rei to come back and talk to him? Or had ne tried to push for something he wasn’t ready for and now he earnestly hoped Rei would leave?

He bit his lip, hands clenching on the straps of his backpack, but eventually he decided that at all costs, he wouldn’t force Nagisa to do anything he didn’t want to, and he left, pulling the door shut behind him and heading home in silence.

. . .

“Rei-kun, you haven’t spoken at all today and it’s starting to worry me.” Makoto rubbed his friend’s shoulder soothingly and handed him part of his lunch.

“I-I apologize, Makoto-senpai. I guess I’m just a bit distracted.”

“You’re just not the same without Nagisa,” Gou said sympathetically, making Rei blush furiously.

“Are you alright, Rei?” Haru asked flatly, his face unreadable.

“Y-yes, Haruka-senpai. Just a lot going on right now is all.” Rei hugged his knees to his chest, the tightness there constricting his heart and making it hard to focus.

“Is there something going on with Nagisa?” Gou asked.

“N-no, of course not!” At that moment, Rei was struck with the horrifying thought that someday, their friends might have to know about what had happened. Especially considering how Nagisa’s behaviors were different as he dealt with the situation. They would need a good cover, story…but Rei had always been terrible at lying. Maybe their friends would just assume they were having relationship problems and leave it at that…

“Rei?” He was startled out of his dazed worrying by Makoto. “Maybe you should go home; you look awfully pale.”

“You know what?” Rei stood suddenly, heaving his backpack up and pushing his glasses back into place. “I think I will. I apologize for making you all worry, I shall see you on Monday.”

He left behind suspicious stares and knowing smirks, and one well-hidden look of concern from Haru.

. . .

Nagisa was stirred out of his nap by a sharp knocking at the door. He kept his eyes closed, waiting for his mother to answer it, but when it came again, he checked his phone. It was only 1:00? No wonder his mother wasn’t answering the door; she was still at work.

He dragged himself out of bed, pulling a sweatshirt on over his penguin pajama shirt, and answered the door.

“Rei-chan?” He was surprised by the sight of a panting, slightly sweaty Rei. “I wasn’t expecting you so early! Did you bring my homework?”

Rei, who up until that moment had had a slightly dazed-but-determined look in his eyes, blinked and seemed to realize just where he was. “Oh! Uh, no. No, I didn’t. School is still in session. But…well. I need to…that is to say…can we speak inside? Perhaps in your bedroom?”

Nagisa’s curiosity was piqued. Not only was whatever it was Rei had to say he too embarrassing to say outside, but it was also apparently important enough for him to leave school.

 “Well come on up then.”

They made their way up to the Nagisa’s room, the awkwardness from the night before coming back as Rei’s determination faded with every step. Indeed, by the time they reached the top of the stairs, Rei was all but dragging himself forward. This had been a terrible idea. He couldn’t confront Nagisa about something like this. The price of his fervor could be their friendship, or worse; he could make Nagisa uncomfortable, and that was a simply intolerable thought.

“Rei-chan? Are you coming?” Nagisa startled him out of his reverie, making him stare up at his friend, who still bore dark circles and a small band aid on his cheek.

“I…” Rei stalled, so close to the top of the stairs yet unwilling to close the final distance between them. “I thought this would be easier… but I can’t do this—”

“Stop.” Nagisa interrupted him before he could finish ‘ _to you._ ’ “I don’t want to hear this. I can’t take it anymore. Do you know?”

Rei tapped his fingers on the banister, before dragging himself up those final stairs and standing in front of Nagisa. “I think I have an idea. Do you want to tell me?”

Nagisa turned away, stepping into his room and sitting on his bed. Rei entered as well, closing the door behind him and leaning against it.

“P-please don’t make me say it, Rei-chan.” Nagisa pulled his knees up to his chest, pressing his face against them and trying to make himself as small as possible. “I don’t think I can.”

Rei set his bag back down, and let go of the door handle, before crossing the space to sit next to Nagisa again. Nagisa shifted a little, but said nothing, apparently waiting for Rei’s response.

“I don’t…I don’t know anything, not for sure. But your behavior in the last few days has worried me greatly, starting Wednesday morning when you wouldn’t answer my texts and increasing dramatically when I witnessed your panic attack, so I did some research. And I have…I have a theory.” Rei tried to sound as gentle as possible. He really did. But somehow, even though his heart twisted painfully, he couldn’t help but sound incredibly clinical in his description. The reality was that he had been terrified for Nagisa, and he had wanted to do something about it. But he couldn’t really say that at the moment.

Nagisa didn’t move; didn’t show his face to his friend. “I shouldn’t have been alone so late,” he finally whispered. “I shouldn’t have been alone in that part of town. I shouldn’t have worn the clothes I did.”

His voice was so flat, and it scared the hell out of Rei. “No. No, no, Nagisa, no. None of this was your fault. None of it. It isn’t your fault that there are terrible people out there.”

Rei didn’t know how to emphasize enough that Nagisa shouldn’t blame himself, other than to just be there for his friend. He reached out to rest his hand on Nagisa’s shoulders, trying desperately to comfort him.

“I came,” Nagisa whispered, shrugging away from Rei’s touch. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to. But he w-wouldn’t stop _t-touching it_.”

Rei’s breathing quickened, and he felt like his heart was being torn to pieces at the despairing tone in Nagisa’s voice. Even as his body temperature rose and his mind went fuzzy with anger, he knew that his brain was just reacting out of empathy to another human. He forced himself to breathe, forced himself to calm down, to not make this about _him._

“The person who did this to you was evil. The act that they carried out is one of the lowest atrocities that mankind can commit. And it is _not your fault._ It isn’t your fault that your body reacted to stimulant; that would have happened to anyone. It’s not your fault it happened to you; he would have done this to anyone. Just because your body reacted naturally does not make you any less of a person. You have always been the most beautiful person I know, inside and out, and nothing has changed about this.” Rei could hear himself get carried away, and he shut up, trying to stop the trembling in his hands.

“You think I’m beautiful?” Nagisa asked, revealing his face at last. “Still?”

“Of _course_ I do. N-not that I mean any— I of course would not use the emotional turbulence of this situation to take advantage of you in any way—”

“Then why have you been acting s-so weird around me today?” Nagisa asked, letting out a choked sob. “I th-though you were _ashamed_ of me. I couldn’t—” _sob_ “—stand it if—” _sob_ “Rei only stayed friends with me—” _sob_ “out of p-p-pity!” He then dissolved completely into tears, covering his face with his hands.

“Pity?” Rei asked sharply— _incredulously_. “Nagisa-kun, pity is not the reason I like you so much, or the reason I am friends with you. I’ll admit that since discovering the facts of your situation, I have experienced feelings of strong empathy, but they have not affected my fondness for you in any way. I am friends with you,” He scooched a little closer to Nagisa on the bed, not daring to touch him in this state. “Is because you are the strongest, happiest, cleverest, most _stubborn_ person I have ever met. You didn’t give up on me when anyone else would have. You persisted to the point where it was ridiculous. You have always believed in me; always been there for me when I made a fool out of myself. You manage to smile even in the darkest of situations, and you manage to find the light in other people when they cannot see it themselves. High school—my life—was dull and gray and solitary until I met you, and now I have _friends_. I never realized before I met you that school could be… _fun._ You changed my life, and I would never leave you unless you sent me away.”

Rei twisted his hands on his lap. It was the most emotion he had ever shared with another person. “I don’t know if this is the most appropriate or sensitive thing to bring up right now, and for that I apologize. It seems I have made a fool of myself again. Maybe I should just go.”

Nagisa was openly staring at him, his sobs having dissolved into hiccups, his big eyes wet with tears. “You…”

They sat in silence for a moment. Indeed, Nagisa was quiet for so long Rei was sure he was just planning out how best to tell Rei to never speak to him again. But then he adjusted so he was sitting on his knees in front of Rei, and then he wrapped his arms around Rei’s neck and pressed his face into Rei’s shirt. Rei was stunned, but reached up tentatively to hug Nagisa back, not wanting to shock him.

“Rei-chan always knows what to say,” Nagisa breathed into his neck, giggling a bit. The lighthearted moment felt so nice, after the last few days. They squeezed each other tightly, reveling in the temporary warmth of the moment.

“I could never be ashamed of you, Nagisa-kun.” Rei said, rubbing circles into the blonde’s back before pulling away gently to look at him.

“Thank you, Rei-chan” Nagisa paused. “Everything feels different now. I want to be myself again, but when I walk in front of a mirror, I see the marks, and when I get undressed for bed I see the bruises. I don’t feel like I’ll ever feel better again.”

Rei thought about this for a moment, wishing he knew the exact words to say. “Well, Nagisa-kun. You have been through a traumatic experience. I am no expert, but I would recommend seeing a counselor. I really think it would help you feel better.”

Nagisa’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “Then I would have to tell my parents. I could never make them feel bad like that. I wouldn’t have even told you if you hadn’t figured it out. At least, not for a while.”

“I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t want to pressure you, really. I just didn’t want you to feel like you had to be all alone in this. But if you don’t want to tell your parents, then I suggest you seek help through online services, at least until you’re ready to talk about the incident. Not that you ever have to! Just…if you ever want to. I mean to say… oh never mind.” Rei pushed his glasses up again, squeezing Nagisa closer against his side.

“You have a way with words, Rei-chan.” Nagisa laughed, only half-joking, letting out a little puff of air that ruffled Rei’s shirt.

They stayed pressed against one another for quite some time, drinking in the peaceful silence and brief respite that came with being together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you guys feel about this? Should this be part of a series? I am debating whether to continue.

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you who have experienced this in your lives, here is a list of international resources for recovery from sexual assault. My askbox is also always open.  
> [International Resources](https://www.rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources)
> 
> [my blog](http://queensguardian.tumblr.com/)


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